There are a growing number of articles and psychology books that discuss covert incest, also known as emotional incest. This form of incest is described as a relationship in which a parent turns a child into a companion or confidant that is inappropriate for the age and life experience of the child. Or, to put it another way, when a needy parent manipulates a child into playing the role of a surrogate spouse or wife.
While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest.
But is there a difference between covert and emotional incest? And do any of the terms represent a distinct and relevant diagnosis, one that creates long-term psychological harm? Some who call it covert incest say that labeling it emotional incest is inappropriate because it implies an absence of sexual harm. However, anything you have read about emotional incest to the sexual and emotional impediments created by this relationship. My impression is that there is no significant difference. And when it comes to long-term psychological damage, I find current theories provocative but over-generalized and without foundation.
Some of the most popular books, “Silently Seduced,” “Sexual Addiction and Covert Incest,” and especially “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Father’s Love Rules Your Life,” present articulated arguments for a long list of emotional issues and sexual impairments. But when told that as a result of covert / emotional incest, a child may become overly or under-sexualized, insecure, or narcissistic (part of the same personality type anyway), develop a love / hate relationship with the offending parent, becoming compulsive or addictive (again part of the same personality type), or guilty and confused by personal needs, then you have covered almost all the bases of possible dysfunctional outcomes and the term becomes a generalized and diluted diagnosis.
Then there is the question of definition; “Using a child to meet a parent’s own unmet emotional needs.” What child has not been used to meet a parent’s own unmet emotional needs? The reason for having children in the first place usually meets unmet emotional (or former financial times) needs. I realize that it is the degree of use involved, and that it is specifically about using the child “as a companion”, but that still covers too much fuzzy emotional territory in the average family unit. That’s because parents, like everyone else, are flawed human beings. And your limits, except in the most rigid environments, waver, causing your children to be used, manipulated, supported, blamed, or shamed periodically in situations that challenge their sovereignty and emotional health. Furthermore, it is extremely difficult to quantify what is the amount of role misuse after which long-term damage occurs. Children come into the world with different temperaments and genetic variations. What could destroy one child can make another stronger. When an action never makes you stronger, as in the case of sexual incest, then you have a clearer diagnosis.
Having said all this, I am not completely ruling out “covert / emotional incest”. However, I am questioning it as a separate diagnosis of emotional abuse. And I also wonder how to treat it. Emotional abuse creates trauma and mistrust. It undermines a person’s self-esteem and ability to enter into and maintain intimate relationships. When you have been hurt and betrayed by those who were closest to you, those who were supposed to protect you and teach you how to function in the world, then you become emotionally disabled in many ways. Rather than creating more provocative diagnoses, let’s look at each individual and treat their specific pain and specific deficits. Let’s refrain from continually categorizing people’s pain. When we do that, we miss his humanity, his specialty, and possibly his particular strategy for strengthening self-management.
Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
December 29, 2011