As we approach the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays each year, our senses heighten and memories of past celebrations flood our consciousness. Most of us can remember that when we were children, we celebrated traditions with members of our extended family, many of whom we may only have seen on these joyous holidays.
Look in your memory bank. Can you remember a close relative who lost a loved one during the year, any year? Visualize that person’s face. Was it the usual animated, smiling face you associated with Aunt Emily or Cousin Joe? How did other family members react to the grim behavior of this grieving relative?
Loss and grief bring deep pain and an indescribable sense of loneliness. The company of friends and family brings comfort, as I learned when I lost my husband, but the holidays can also be particularly heartbreaking. Celebrating without your loved one is unimaginable. Looking back at the vacation seasons we spent together can bring both laughter and tears. However, it is true that comfort comes from an inner sense of understanding, backed by the warmth of friends, family, and the memory of those things we cherish.
And today, if you are one of those people who has recently experienced deep loss, here are some things you can do to make your holiday enjoyment uplifting instead of feeling sad and empty.
o Decide ahead of time how you want to spend the days and weeks normally allotted to the celebration. Make plans, take care of yourself and comfort yourself, exchange gifts with your loved one if you wish. Buy something special and make it a memory.
o Traditions can bring comfort and a sense of continuity to our lives. Choose the celebrations that have the most meaning for the holiday and commemorate them in your own way. Perhaps you can start a new tradition, just for you, that includes the memory of your loved one.
o Friends and family are sure to wish you well in that critical first year after a loss. Although it will be difficult, do not exclude them completely. If you don’t want to spend a whole day at someone else’s house, invite a few people to yours, eat simple food, and wish them the joy of the season.
o If you feel comfortable in someone’s home, go. A good idea is to be a little late to enter a party in progress. Consider leaving early to avoid lengthy goodbyes. Shortly after your arrival, decide where in the host’s home you can retreat if you are overwhelmed (guest bedroom, porch).
o Make a conscious effort to let the spirit of the season touch your heart. Sometimes the commotion of others celebrating takes our mind off our sense of loneliness.
o Public outings can be warm and meaningful, and you don’t have to negotiate conversations with people you know. The performance of a Christmas play or concert puts us in touch with the meaning of the special day and can help mitigate the intensity of the grief.
o If you are really going to be alone, consider volunteering at a homeless shelter that prepares dinner for others. Perhaps the children’s ward of a hospital might need a helping hand or an extra lap for children confined during the holidays. Nursing homes, crisis daycare centers, community centers, or places of worship can provide ideas and guidance for donating a few hours of time.
o If you keep a journal, include the first few holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries that you spent without your loved one. If you haven’t started journaling, this might be a good time to start.
Remember that when someone dies they are mourned by different people in different ways. Comfort can come from unexpected places. If everyone remains open to the love and warmth of shared experiences, we will help each other heal. A day of fun and laughter does not mean that we have forgotten that irreplaceable person; it simply recognizes that when hearts and minds touch, we stay connected.
Grief and grief can certainly be overwhelming on vacation. If you continue to follow cherished traditions while acknowledging the loss of a loved one, you may feel comforted and begin to move on your path in grief.