The workplace can certainly be a breeding ground for unwanted conflict. After many years of analyzing conflicts, I discovered that conflicts usually stem from misunderstandings that stem from two aspects of communication: how well we listen and how well we communicate with others. Being an effective communicator is not a warm and fuzzy concept that has something to do with “being nice.” It is a prerequisite for effective leadership. Evidence that we lack communication skills can often be found in the work culture around us.
If you want to make quality decisions about strategic and succession planning, minimizing operating costs and increasing your competitive advantage, you need quality information. Employees will not give you the information you need if you are not a good communicator. Worse yet, they are more likely to sabotage their goals and build alliances with their co-workers in an effort to get the validation they don’t get from you. I have understood the following list of communication skills that will minimize the chances of you giving conflict to the relationships around you!
This list is not my opinion of how things “should be”, but what has been at the heart of hundreds of conflicts and misunderstandings that I have investigated and been tasked with resolving. It’s the list that can keep you from being a “jerk”, or at least from being perceived as such!
1. Minimize “judgmental” facial expressions and keep an open stance when talking to someone.
- People won’t talk to you if they feel like you’re judging them before they’re done talking.
- If you come across as cynical about what you’re hearing, the person speaking may shut up and censor themselves.
2. Don’t respond to what you THINK someone is trying to say before they have finished explaining themselves.
- Some research shows that the average person listens with only 25% efficiency. If you respond to what you think someone is saying, the person is likely to think that you spent more time thinking about your response and how to defend your opinion than listening. This can be seen as evidence that you already have an opinion and are just itching to express it. In other words, committing this offense shows the person that you are not listening.
- Before responding to what someone is saying, paraphrase for the person the points you think they are trying to get across, so they can clarify their message.
3. Ask genuine open-ended questions when seeking clarification and maintain a high degree of honest, nonjudgmental curiosity.
- Don’t ask leading questions that usually start with a statement of your opinion and end with a question like “Is that right?”
- “Why” questions should be avoided when possible, as they have the effect of making people defensive and lessening their desire to talk to you.
- Don’t waste time thinking about how you will respond to the person. Just listen.
- Actively “listen” by asking questions with the goal of getting more information.
- People have a sixth sense for “stuck questions,” seeking only to elicit information that verifies a person’s preconceived notion. This serves more to validate you than to get information from the person you are talking to.
4. Be trustworthy and build a reputation of good character.
- Maintain confidentiality whenever possible.
- Don’t overreact to new information! Evaluate whether or not your response will have a positive impact on the work environment. Emotion-based responses often lead to a short-term gain for one’s pride, at the expense of long-term working relationships.
- Do not gossip about others.
- Do not give the appearance that you are gossiping about others. Although there may be no malicious intent, people become paranoid and suspicious if you always communicate with specific employees and not others.
- Do not put others down to raise your own “social standing.”
- Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Regardless of your intention, this will give you the reputation of being “fake”.
- People are suspicious of those who make promises in front of other people, only to refrain from keeping them at a later time. This will earn you a reputation for being more concerned with “putting on a show” to make others think you have good character, than having good character.
- Apologize when you intentionally or unintentionally do something wrong! (Yes, even unintentionally!) Of course, you can’t always take responsibility for how people perceive your intentions, but you can certainly mitigate negative perceptions and earn respect. Thinking otherwise gives you a license to be a repeat offender based on the false premise that you have no control over how others think of you.
5. Do not give unsolicited opinions or advice!
- Bite your tongue whenever you feel inclined to give an opinion or advice without being asked.
- Refrain from starting sentences with “Well, I think…” or “Well, I have to disagree with you because…”, unless the person explicitly asks for your opinion.
- People can feel insulted if they receive unsolicited advice. Be open-minded enough to know that the person can find an alternative and better solution if you give them the chance. This will earn you more respect and promote innovative, higher-quality work in the long run.
- Keep in mind that sometimes people just want to vent, be encouraged, and have their perceptions validated.
- People know you’re about to judge when you start a sentence with “I’m not judging but…!”
6. Practice the art of “saving face.”
- When people don’t want to admit they are wrong, they will continue with a conflict or disagreement to avoid the embarrassment of looking bad.
- Sometimes it’s better to let someone else back off without having to admit they made a mistake. In general, people find it tense to be around “know-it-alls” and people who like to argue just to prove themselves right.
- Assess whether it’s more important to you to “be right” than it is for the other person to think you’re an idiot (even if you don’t mean to be).
7. Give people the benefit of the doubt!
- We tend to make situational excuses for our own behavior, but we blame a person’s character when they exhibit behavior we don’t agree with.
- To gain a deeper appreciation of what a person is saying to you or how they are behaving, look at a person’s behavior in “context” before you judge them. Keep in mind that there may be aspects of their story that they don’t share with you, causing them to respond in a certain way.
- I have seen people get mad at each other because they assumed another person said something insulting, when that was not the other person’s intention. Sometimes it’s safe to assume that the person who insulted you “didn’t mean it.” And then keep going!
8. Focus on what the person is saying instead of just the tone they are using or the words they use to speak.
- People use colorful language to get a point across and sometimes say things they don’t want to be taken literally.
- Criticizing a person’s exact “words” or “tone” while they’re speaking will only make them feel defensive and reinforce that you’re not listening.
9. Don’t assume people will tell you how they really feel about you.
- People are tired of providing constructive criticism to supervisors who will “evaluate” their job performance.
- People don’t always have the communication skills to do this and fear being “taken the wrong way.”
- When a supervisor says something an employee disagrees with, the employee is more likely to openly agree in an effort to avoid an argument. This can give a supervisor a false sense of validation.
10. Respond well to constructive criticism.
- Your history of responding to negative comments will determine how likely you are to receive comments from those you “lead”.
- Honest feedback is important so you know how to improve your leadership skills. If you’re defensive, people won’t give you the honest feedback you need.
Supervisors will not be able to please everyone all the time! Fortunately, it takes more than one of the above offenses to have a negative impact on the relationship between supervisors and employees. A pattern of poor listening and other communication skills can lead to a toxic work environment. By the time a “conflict” or negative work culture reaches a climax, the people involved often don’t know what they are doing to perpetuate it or feel a sense of pride-based “morality” in maintaining their behavior. . Not everything is lost. Trust can be built through ongoing communication that allows misunderstandings to be corrected immediately. If you are a repeat offender of communication errors, ask people in your “inner circle” (family, friends, co-workers, etc.) for feedback that will allow you to improve.
Finally, a leader can look at the list above and say, “Hey, that’s just me! I’m stubborn, etc.” They may even have the illusion that they became leaders because of these qualities. I challenge those people to consider that they may have achieved leadership status despite these qualities! Good communication skills minimize resentment, conflict, and dysfunction in the workplace while fostering a positive culture. Employees will provide you with information and knowledge that will enable you to make quality decisions. Optimize your leadership skills by following the steps above. These communication skills will keep you from acting like a jerk (or being perceived as such)!
*Husman, RC, Lahiff, JM and Penrose, JM (1988). Business communication: Strategies and skills. Chicago: Dryden Press.