Woody Allen says that 90% of success in life is showing up. That’s definitely true for being a good parent. Your wife gives birth, but the ball is in your court half the time after that.
I was terrified when I brought my young son home from the hospital. I looked at the little six-pound, six-ounce boy and almost panicked when I realized he was going to live with me. I didn’t know how to feed him, change him, or make him stop crying. I was afraid to hug him. I was the best new dad. He wasn’t sure he could fill a parent’s shoes.
I was a full-time college student, financially challenged, married, and in my early twenties when my son was born. He had no money, and there was only one way to get it. I worked five part-time jobs day and night to pay rent and feed my wife and child. Sometimes he had dinner, and sometimes not. I was so close to the limit, and I still had seven months to go before I graduated.
While I had no choice about showing up in person, showing up emotionally was a choice. My anxiety level was through the roof just thinking about being responsible for such a small and helpless human being.
I guess it’s obvious, my son wasn’t planned. While a baby is born, whether planned or not, intention plays a useful role in mapping out a baby’s life. My financial instability worried me every minute of every day, and I feared being poor even more than I feared being a parent.
My marriage to a young French woman I met while studying in London was a disaster. I had made a complete mess of my life. My wife and I got divorced right after I graduated from college. She returned to France from her, but I refused to allow her to take my son with her. She was an American by birth and as a result I was given sole custody of a one-year-old boy.
I was a wobbly parent at first. I had just started my career out of college and needed more sleep than I was getting. I remember trying to get my son to sleep through the night. I thought a small amount of oatmeal mixed into his bottle might stick to his ribs and help him sleep more. I used a hot needle to make a larger opening in the nipple and gave my son the mixture. It worked. I had discovered that at least part of being a parent was being innovative.
When I think about raising that baby forty-four years later, the beginning seems like a hazy dream. I went to work, hunkered down, and made a living. I found a wonderful woman to take care of my son during the day and when he traveled for business. Life as a single parent was good. I spent almost all my free time with my son. I didn’t have much of a social life for a decade, but I felt something in my heart directing all my energies towards him.
At some point on this journey, I fell in love with my son and have adored him ever since. I raised him as a single parent for most of his childhood. Would do it again in a heartbeat. Raising my son was the greatest achievement of my life.
I did a good job? When I look at the man he is today, I’m sure he did it. I have a seven-year-old grandson, and for the first time in my family’s history, there are three generations of Solin men living at the same time. We all share a sense of unconditional love for one another. When my grandson wraps his arms around my neck, he kisses me on the cheek and says, “I love you Grandpa Kenny,” I feel the same joy I felt with my son.
Since I was the only parent of my son, going forward wasn’t really an option for me. But it’s not really an option for any parent. Of course, there are circumstances in which it is much more difficult to become emotionally involved, but in the end, a son needs emotional nurturing from his father as much as he needs food. And you can’t expect a woman to raise a child without the much-needed masculine influence of her father.
If you are a new dad, congratulations. I hope you find it in your heart to show up. I promise you will never regret it. I’d like to hear from new parents and I’m open to sharing what I’ve learned, so feel free to write me and tell me your story.