I have often heard people in mourning say that they are not ready to move on and reinvest in life after the death of their loved one. This is not unusual, as each grief is different because the emotional investment that each person has in the deceased is unique.
Wrongly, we sometimes equate moving forward with forgetting the loved one. In reality, moving forward means establishing new routines, using your strengths to reinvest in life, and most importantly, learning to love in separation. There are many ways we can show our love for the deceased even when they are not physically present.
Remember, you can start to reinvest in life and at the same time continue to cry and miss your loved one. So how can you start moving forward despite mourning? Here’s an effective approach.
I once asked a group of widows and widowers what they wanted to leave with at the end of our eight-week grief support program. In short, why did they come to the group? These are some of your responses that are typical needs (goals) that are often expressed.
1. Be stronger and face my new life.
2. Find meaning and direction.
3. I want to have a feeling of community.
4. Knowledge of grievances and coping.
5. Strengthen and find the right things to say to my children.
6. I want more happy days than sad ones.
7. Being able to talk to people without crashing.
8. Be stronger emotionally.
9. Have a reason to live.
10. Acceptance of God’s will and determination to move on.
Let’s pick one of these wishes and see how it can be developed. Take number 6, I want more happy days than sad ones. Place this or any wishes or goals you have in your duel on top of a sheet of paper that you will keep in a prominent place (on your refrigerator, nightstand, etc.).
Then start listing the specific behaviors that represent a happy day. What were the things you did? There are times during grief when people report having a good day. Examine the things you did, including the thoughts you had, that made it a good day, and write them under the title on your paper. You may only remember one or two. However, as long as you have a good feeling about the future as part of the day, write it down and add it to your list. Little by little, you will have a long list of specific behaviors that will be helpful to you.
Now when you’re having a bad day and starting to spiral downward, go to your list, pick one of the behaviors, and start using it.
Always look for specific behaviors that you need to engage in that represent action toward your goal or desire. Acting is a proven survival skill because it changes the focus of your thinking. Ask yourself the question: “What do I have to do to (write what I want to accomplish)?” For example, it may mean consulting an expert, carefully reviewing your life, reading a bit, finding out what really makes you happy, talking to other people who have faced a loss similar to yours, or compiling a list of reasons. to live based on you. about what others have done after great losses.
Gather all the information and write it down in behavioral form under your heading. Then act on the information. Do something with it. Make reaching your goal while grieving an important focus of your healing. It all depends on the action you decide to take and will eventually help you live with your great loss while still honoring your loved one.