You are an educated individual. You say please and thank you, and treat people with decency and respect. However, for some reason this doesn’t seem to have a positive influence on his social life, in fact quite the opposite. You still feel awkward with your peers, tongue tied when others speak freely in social situations, and find the girls of your dreams walking right past you, into the arms of the world’s biggest jerk.
Don’t worry. You are not alone in your confusion. The difficulty you are having stems from a misconception of what constitutes courtesy itself.
Polite is not just what we generally accept it to be. There are, in fact, two forms of courtesy.
The first is demonstrated in this exchange:
“Brenton, could you pass me the salt?”
“Here you are”
“Many thanks”
“No problem”
This exchange demonstrates the first type of courtesy. Being courteous by following the socially appropriate conventions of what is generally understood as “courtesy.” It is often called positive courtesy. The mistake many make is thinking that this is the only legitimate type of courtesy. This, however, is a mistake. Notice the following exchange:
“Oi, throw us the salt”
“Get it yourself, you lazy bastard”
“Shut up, throw us the salt”
“No. Get some exercise and grab it.”
At first this seems rude. However, if the two people are just joking friends, we understand that it is not meant to offend. In fact, they are actively being nice to each other. This is called negative courtesy.
To be polite, we show respect to those we address. The first scenario demonstrates that we respect a person by using language that identifies them as worthy of respect.
The second type of courtesy is more useful to those with whom we are socially intimate. It shows that we respect an individual through the way we use their own language and a willingness to treat them with a nonchalance that defines them as an equal.
However, what does this mean for you? This answer is: Many.
When you meet new people, potential friends, potential romantic partners, you are looking to develop a relationship that is, on some level, intimate. That’s why you have to use the second level of courtesy.
Have you ever seen popular kids talking to people they just met? You don’t have to waste time. They walk right in, shake hands, pat each other on the back, whatever, and jump right into the conversation like they’ve known the new person for years. This form jumps directly between the two. If you approach each new person with caution and distance, you may never cause major social offense, but you won’t make close friends quickly either. Caution and distance help you develop prudent and distant relationships. Acting friendly and communicative helps you develop friendly and communicative relationships.
Remember how I mentioned that the biggest jerk in the room seems to get the girl? Now you know why. There might be a difference between being a nice guy who acts friendly to everyone and just being a jerk and not caring who you squash, but the difference is rarely obvious in social situations. If you don’t make friends with the pretty girl, then she will be dominated by the jerk who knows her every move to get into her pants.
Newsflash: Beautiful Girls DON’T NEED ANY MORE GROVELERS! They have a lot of them. They are used to first level courtesy being the norm. You need the second level to get his attention. Remember what you are trying to do here – develop an intimate relationship (strong friendship or romantic). You would never treat your teammates as if they were better than you. As tempting as it may be, the same applies to lovely ladies: always keep yourself as an equal, without treating them like a goddess. Idiots succeed at this because they have no regard for other people’s worth, so they never treat anyone as valuable. However, you can do this because you have class.
Ok, let’s go over the main points.
- Courtesy as treating others as equals NOT as superiors. If you act socially like someone is above you, they will treat you like you are below them. This is a lose-lose situation. If you act as an equal, you will be considered and treated as such.
- Be a friend NOT an acquaintance. We gather acquaintances throughout our lives, and most of them are quite replaceable. No one wants to put in the effort to keep acquaintances, so don’t act like it.
- Be insulting NOT complementary. This is a bit tricky. When I say this I don’t mean making unflattering comments about the shape of the head of the first person you meet. I mean two things: first, don’t be afraid of playful teasing. Friendships thrive on being able to take a joke and do the best they can. Second, don’t overdo the praise. People will either get tired of your flattery (and possibly suspect you are a bully) or take it seriously and consider themselves out of your league. None of these is good. Absolutely.
- Be thankful NOT cautious. It is always tempting to sense a situation before acting. However, while you are busy figuring out whether or not you should ask your dream girl out while trying to get a signal from her as to whether you should, your dream girl is losing faith in the hope that you will. ever asked her out of it, and moving on to the stupid idiot. She just act, move, say something, get noticed. Unless she does, she might as well be part of the furniture.
- Be a rock star, NOT a groupie. The beautiful girls have enough Groupies milling about to ogle. What you have to be is a rock star, confident, public, funny, talkative (but not talkative).
So, you don’t have to stop being polite for social and romantic success. You just have to remember that courtesy is more than following specific social rules and regulations. It’s a way to put others at ease and show them you respect them. And, for God’s sake, enjoying it.