Sometimes I hear from people who want to save their marriage after cheating, but are very concerned that their spouse has not yet “gotten over” the other person, even when their spouse insists that there is nothing left for the cheating relationship.
Many men like to claim that the affair meant little or nothing to them, but women have a hard time believing it. A wife might say, “My husband had an affair with a woman he went to high school with. He saw her at his class reunion that I didn’t attend because of other obligations. They weren’t old llamas or anything like that. Apparently alcohol was involved and then after sex they continued with an online affair and texting. They were only together that one time. My husband tells me that he really didn’t care much about this woman. But reading some of her texts makes me question this. My husband is claiming that he can end the relationship right away. He acts like he doesn’t care enough to insist on it. I question this. I’m not saying he’s lying to me, exactly. But I don’t know how a relationship it may be important enough to cheat on your wife, but not important enough to discuss her when you break up. I’ve never had an affair. But I admit my first love started texting me a couple times. years ago. And only that communication became very deep and meaningful meaningful. When I told him we couldn’t talk anymore because it just wasn’t appropriate, frankly, it broke my heart. It took me months to get over it. But I knew that my marriage was more important to me. My mother told me that men get through love affairs more easily than women because for men it is more about sex and for women it is more about emotions. Is this true? “
Well, I will grant that most people believe this to be true. I think it’s probably a mistake to assume that men don’t cheat for emotional reasons or that they can’t get emotionally involved with the other person. They do and they can. I hear from men who are emotionally attached to an affair.
My unscientific perceptions: However, to be honest, I have to say that it is much more common to hear a woman who is emotionally involved in an affair and who has a hard time letting go than a man. Not exactly scientific data, I know. It is quite possible that women feel more comfortable approaching, since I am also a woman. But I hear from many more women who know they need to save their families, but who feel strongly that they are in love with the other man and that he understands them more than anyone. That is not to say that men do not feel that way. But I find that for women, it is very important that they feel heard, understood and appreciated. They don’t mention sex as much when they talk about the other person. They mention feelings. They mention emotions. They mention not wanting to let go.
Men can mention feelings, but also physical connection or sex. They often mention feeling alive, which is sometimes a kind of double talk from the excitement they get from the novelty of sex with someone new. I do not mean to imply that this is about sex for men or even that it is a relationship without expectations. Because I don’t think any of these things are true. But I hear many men say that the other woman did not demand anything of him, while women rarely say this.
And I think that could be part of the reason why we have the perception that men can walk away from an affair more easily. There were no expectations, so what is the harm in simply walking away? Men are perceived to be less likely to see it in the long term. Many men who are having affairs do not intend to leave their wives. They don’t intend for her to find out. So yeah, when they tell you they can leave, many mean it.
I am not telling you that a man cannot fall in love with the other woman and then miss her horribly and cry when he lets her go. That happens. But I see that it happens less with men than with women. And that may sound stereotypical and it may be because I listen to more women than men.
But it seems to me that many men can advance quite quickly. Once their wives find out and decide to save their marriages, many have no qualms about ending the affair immediately and completely. And in this case, when the husband was only once with the woman, it makes sense to believe that perhaps this was not a deep and meaningful relationship.
If you think about it, you said you ended the correspondence with your first love because your priority was your husband. In essence, it could well be doing the same thing. I know you want to know if he’s still thinking about her. But in the end, if he chooses to make your marriage a priority and so do you, then this is the best place to pay attention.