Does it sound familiar to you? You love your husband / wife / partner / partner more than anyone.
BUT when they argue, they end up in a sling fight trying to outdo each other with derogatory insults, disparagement, character murder, yelling, yelling, cursing, and everything else in between.
Why do the most passionate relationships seem to have the biggest explosions?
Conflict is an integral part of any great relationship. There will always be times when you disagree. In fact, arguing can help a strong relationship take the next step in development. You can also put the last nails in the coffin of a weak one.
The problem is not arguing as such, but the bad way many of us behave when we do. The aftermath leaves us feeling empty, sad, upset, anxious, disconnected, and insecure.
You know that feeling in your stomach and that pain in your heart? It hurts, doesn’t it?
Argument often begins after trying to communicate something that bothers you, and yet due to the negative effects a great barney causes, arguing is also something we strive to avoid.
The problem with avoiding a potential argument is that problems are also avoided and problems persist.
So wouldn’t it be great if you could argue without those negative side effects?
Well, you can … but it takes practice and patience and is much easier to achieve if you are both on the same page.
Communication is the most important function of a relationship and that is why my mission is to help as many people as I can improve theirs.
By following these 3 easy steps to stop arguing, you will surely start communicating better than you ever thought possible.
Step # 1: Never argue when you are angry or upset.
This is the most important rule to follow. When your blood is boiling and you want to rip the heads off your loved ones, it’s time to stop. They both need to calm down.
When you are angry, you cannot think clearly and are more likely to say something that you don’t really mean. This is also the stage when violence towards others can occur.
Whether it’s verbal, emotional, or physical violence, everyone is equally abusive. The negative effects of this type of domestic violence are well documented and no one should live in fear of it happening.
Take a break time! Take a walk or run, watch a movie, read a book or magazine. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. To help lower your heart rate, stay away for at least 20 minutes.
I think at least an hour works best, but make sure you set a time to get back together to resolve the issue and make amends.
I personally like to go for a walk. I turn up the music and yell at the top of my lungs. In the car no one can hear me and I take out my frustrations by screaming.
It feels good and once I’ve driven around the block and maybe taken a look at the ocean, I feel very calm and ready to communicate again.
Step # 2: Don’t blame, point fingers or ‘kitchen sink’.
You know how it feels when they attack you. The first thing to do is go straight to defense and close.
You can’t hear, you don’t want to listen, and you’re not at all interested in the other person’s point of view. So don’t do it with someone else.
‘Kitchen sinking’ all your past indiscretions is totally counterproductive. What happened in the past should stay in the past. It is not necessary to file a case against you.
You just need to address the problem. Throwing all of your past mistakes at them at once will only create more defensiveness and further distance your lines of communication.
Stick to a single topic. Only solve one problem at a time, this way neither of you will be overwhelmed. You will have a greater ability to solve the problem by concentrating only on it and it is more likely that you will be able to find a solution.
Kitchen: sinking was a real problem for me. I was never able to focus on a single issue and my husband would end up on the defensive and shut down completely. Once I realized that it didn’t help to bring up the issues we had already discussed, I stopped.
Now our communication channels remain open and we can discuss what we need with more compassion and empathy.
Say how you feel. When you are upset with something your partner has done instead of berating and blaming him for all the wrong he has done, think about the problem in terms of how it made you feel.
By expressing your feelings, being vulnerable and open, you give the other person a chance to empathize with you and your emotions. Feeling this empathy helps defuse the discussion and allows them to see things from your side as well.
Step # 3: Stop trying to win. Why do we often treat our loved one like an evil opponent, stopping at nothing to ‘win’ the fight? The problem with fighting to win is that when there is a winner and a loser, the only real loser is the relationship itself.
Instead of trying to win, why don’t you try to listen? Listening is the most important part of communication and very few of us are capable of listening well. Our minds wander, we think of something else, and we are constructing our response even before we hear what has been said.
Really listen. Listening is a skill that requires practice and patience. Often when someone tells you their complaints, you don’t want to hear excuses or solutions, you just want to know that you have been heard and understood.
Try to keep your opinions to yourself and acknowledge what they have said, letting them know that you are hearing how they feel.
There is nothing more powerful than the feeling of being understood and knowing that the other can see your point of view, even if they do not agree with it.
Since I am quite stubborn and generally have a lot of advice to give, I have developed a strategy that helps me figure out when my opinion is justified or when it is not.
Before I start offering my advice, I ask my client / loved one if they want to hear my advice or if they just want me to hear it.
This works really well and then for both of us it becomes clear what the motivation is behind why they are revealing what they are to me, and then I know exactly how to respond.
Win / win solution. Once you have listened (really listened to) each other’s opinion, you will be in a better position to be able to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.
The solution must be tailored to your needs and must have the same level of commitment. When you find a solution that is mutually beneficial, the real winner is your relationship.
You will both feel strong, confident, equal, and secure and there will be no residual resentment left to infiltrate in the future.
Being in any relationship, especially an intimate marriage or life partner will see its fair share of ups and downs.
Anyone can have fun and amusement when everything is rosy, but when the proverbial hits the fan, that’s when the true strength of a partnership comes to the fore.
By communicating constructively by following the steps above, you will have a much better chance of being heard and understood. That way, you can come up with a solution that you are satisfied with and are 100% willing to participate in.