I recently heard from a wife who told me that she could literally feel her husband slipping away from her. She said in part: “I know I’m losing him. I can feel it. He just doesn’t seem as interested in me or the marriage anymore. I feel like one of these days, he’s going to tell me that he wants a separation or a divorce. most of the time he ignores or avoids me.But when I ask him what is wrong and what can I do, he denies that he has a problem when it’s obvious that he does.How can I save my marriage when I know I’m losing it, especially when he won’t even admit we have a problem?
I understood how this wife felt. You can feel very helpless when you feel that he and the marriage are slipping away from you. And it’s even worse when he doesn’t help you fix it. In the following article, I will offer some suggestions on how to approach this situation.
Determine how likely it is that you will actually lose it: As I mentioned, this is a situation that can cause a high level of anxiety. Some husbands in this situation will tell me that their wife is “reaching out” or she is seeing things that are not there. Also, I sometimes hear from husbands who tell me that while it’s definitely marital problems, they don’t plan on packing up and leaving tomorrow (although the wife makes assumptions to that effect).
When fear takes over, we can be so afraid of losing our marriage that we almost brace ourselves and accept that this is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We accept this as inevitable when it certainly doesn’t have to be. Instead of taking real action, we find ourselves in prevention mode, almost waiting for our shoe to drop.
I would never tell you to ignore what you feel. Often these little sinking feelings are based on at least some form of reality. But sometimes this situation feels so dire and immediate that we make assumptions that lead us to an end that maybe didn’t have to happen.
As far as possible, try to put fear aside and look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself what things contribute the most to her fear of losing her spouse. Do either of you no longer find marriage fulfilling? Is the closeness or intimacy gone? Is there a problem you are avoiding or just can’t solve? It is important to understand the things that contribute the most to this so that you can address them. Ignoring the problem or just hoping it goes away is often a risky proposition.
Focus on a plan instead of your fears: It’s so easy to fall prey to all those “what ifs” that feel like they’re imminent. Unfortunately, this can scatter your focus when what you really need is hyper-focus. Instead of thinking about what may or may not happen, or continuing to question your husband and getting the same resistance or the same answers, consider taking decisive action so that she at least has a sense of empowerment or that she is doing something.
Many wives in this situation tell me they don’t know where to start to save their marriage. This is especially true when her husband is not forthcoming about how he feels or what he wants. It is true that this poses a challenge, but I can tell you that often in this situation, intimacy and bonding are at stake. In my experience and opinion, there is often a distance and a lack of connection that was not there before. If you can focus on this and begin to modify the plan as more information is presented (and can process your husband’s reactions), this is a good place to start.
You don’t necessarily have to save your marriage tomorrow, but you can work right away to reestablish the connection. Take it easy and try to keep things light-hearted. Try to focus on those things that generate positive reactions instead of negative ones.
Keep an eye on your terminology: Sometimes I cringe when wives tell me that they are “losing” their husbands. I’ve said this sentence too, but it almost implies a lack of control, or like you have no say in the outcome. I’m also not sure you can “lose” a husband like you would an everyday object like a watch. At the end of the day, people leave marriages because they are not happy within them. Understanding this is vital to taking decisive action.
Sometimes I see wives watching this process as it unfolds and then watching and waiting in fear. This can be a risky plan. In my opinion, there is less risk in taking some well-planned action aimed at addressing what is really wrong rather than simply hoping for the best and fearing the worst. Until you can do that, reestablishing a joyful connection is a good place to start.