Things can feel very heightened and immediate when you find out about your spouse’s affair. Because this is so painful, it’s normal to want a quick resolution. You don’t want to feel this bad forever, so you may feel some pressure to make a quick decision to start healing. And yet, making this decision is not as easy as some believe. Many of us change our minds, wondering if we are reacting out of emotions, and worrying that any decision we make is wrong.
A wife might say, “As soon as I found out my husband has been having an affair, the first words out of his mouth were, ‘You can’t leave me. You can’t take my family away from me.’ And my first thought and reaction was: ‘you better believe that I can leave you. If you didn’t want me to leave, you should have thought about it before you cheated.’ She had always thought that the first sign of infidelity meant she was going to walk out the door. I never thought that she was going to be the woman who was next to a cheater. I thought she was going to be like Sandra Bullock with Jesse James. . She wasn’t even going to think about it. She was just going to get rid of the cheater right away. But now that I’m in this situation, I now realize that it’s not as simple as all that. think of my children But when this thought comes to mind, I immediately counter it with the knowledge that my husband wasn’t thinking about our kids as much when he was sleeping with someone else. Some days I’ll think we can get through this if we try. And other days, I’ll think I don’t want to get over this. I don’t want to save a marriage with a cheater. But the next day I’m about to change my mind again. My husband constantly asks me what I have decided regarding our marriage. And I never know what I’m doing. I should tell him because I haven’t really come to a decision because I’m always changing my mind. What is wrong with me?”
What you feel is so normal and understandable: Absolutely nothing happens to you. I also constantly changed my mind. I think a lot of people do. If he wasn’t, that would mean that he possibly wasn’t taking an honest and accurate look at the circumstances. It would be very naive to think that you could just block out your doubts. Some days you will naturally think that you can overcome these doubts. But the next day, they may come back and have brought anger as well. It’s a lot to deal with. And all the swirling information and emotions cause uncertainty, which is completely understandable.
Elimination of part of the pressure: It doesn’t help that your husband always asks you what you’ve decided. This makes you feel pressure at a time when pressure is the last thing you need. So you could try an answer like this: “The only decision I’ve made is that I’m not going to rush into a decision. There are a lot of considerations here and the stakes are high. Also, my feelings are constantly changing. I need to take some time to trust that my feelings and perceptions are more stable. And I need time to process this. I know you feel like you’re in limbo. And I know you want me to make a decision so I know what the future holds. But I just can’t make the right decision right now. I’m going to have to wait and see. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s necessary for me.”
Your husband may not like this answer, but he should understand it. Because it was his actions that made all this necessary. I’m sure my husband would have loved it if he’d told him right away that we could try to make it work. But there was no way he could honestly say that. He didn’t know what he wanted. And I didn’t know if counseling was going to help us or even how I would feel if it did. And she knew that she would need time to observe his behavior in order to assess if she could ever trust him again. So I told my husband that there would be no snap decisions and that he was going to wait and see how our rehab work went. He knew he could change his mind at any time and I’m sure this wasn’t fun for him. But it certainly wasn’t fun for me either. Recovery takes a long time. And you really can’t be sure you’ve made the right decision until he’s had time to evaluate his recovery efforts.