I recently heard from a woman who described pretty dire living conditions with her husband. She described a spouse who had become quite listless and cold. From the way her wife described the situation, it seemed as if he was either treating her with annoyance or pretending she didn’t exist. The wife said they weren’t even roommates anymore because “at least roommates talk and interact with each other.” According to the wife, she and her husband didn’t even do that anymore.
But the wife said that none of this was her doing. She said that she had tried to talk and interact with her husband. She insisted that he had tried to ask her to be nicer to her and tried to take some of the initiative from her, but indicated that he always snapped back and things only got worse. He wanted my opinion on whether the marriage could be saved and, if so, how he would go about doing so.
I felt that the level of friendliness and communication would have to change drastically before we would even worry about saving the marriage. You can’t expect to transform your marriage if you don’t even speak in a civil manner. So, in the following article, I will share some of the ideas that I offered to the wife.
Uncovering the underlying resentment and anger that was contributing to the husband’s carefree attitude: What worried the wife the most was the fact that the husband was not only distant, but gave her the impression that he did not care at all whether she was present or not. The wife was sure that if she was sick or hurt, he would not react one way or the other. He never spoke to her, inquired about her welfare or hinted that he cared for her in any way. It was as if he was upset by the existence of her mother. He had no way of being sure if this perception of her was completely accurate, but the perception of this alone was very troubling.
However, I know from experience that sometimes people withdraw and silence their feelings as a defense mechanism or as a result of some underlying resentment or hurt. I asked her if there was something external that had recently taxed her marriage or her husband on a personal level. I didn’t know anything that could fit into this category. Her husband rarely shared what was going on in her life with her. He had no way of measuring what he was feeling and experiencing.
I felt strongly that she needed to put this on the table and directly ask her what was going on. He may reject her or pretend she didn’t hear the question, but I felt it necessary to try. He wanted her to sit him down when she was calm and he didn’t seem openly angry. He wanted her to do her best to keep the emotion and accusatory tone out of her voice as she said very calmly that she had sensed a distance and an underlying anger in her husband that was troubling.
He didn’t want her to talk to him in “me” terms. (In other words, she wanted her to avoid phrases like “this hurts.”) Instead, she wanted her to focus on him. (Yes, this isn’t entirely fair, but it’s a way to help ensure you’re heard and given a favorable response. People are often more willing to talk about what directly affects them.) So she was going to say something like, “I notice you seem preoccupied and distracted. Is there anything I can do to help or make things better? Is there anything I should know?”
The husband may have scoffed and rejected this, but the wife would know that she had made the attempt and opened the door to communication. She will sometimes get a sarcastic response that will give her real, concrete clues as to what is really going on and exactly what she needs to address. Other times, she may not get the answer from her right away, but this discussion will set the stage for her to get it later.
Give your husband the loving attitude you want: Have you ever heard the phrase “kill them with kindness”? On the surface, this phrase may seem silly and unrealistic, but I’ve seen it help far more times than I’ve seen it hurt. The basis of this plan is that you give them what you yourself hope to get, knowing that if they get what they need, they will eventually give you what you need. So if his goal was to get her husband to show him more love and care, he would give her generous amounts of these things first.
This may seem unfair or wrong at first, but it’s the most effective way to get what you want in a way that leaves your integrity intact. In a sense, you are showing them exactly how you want to be treated and your actions will often start to melt their tough exterior. Sometimes this is a process that takes a bit of time to start getting results, but it’s better than getting angry and arguing with someone who isn’t listening anyway.
Sometimes this attempt doesn’t work on the first try because the other spouse is determined to continue being nasty and hurtful. In these cases, you will sometimes need to make it clear that you are not going to put yourself in a situation where you are repeatedly hurt. In some cases, it is necessary to visit friends or family and take a break from the situation to make it clear that you are not willing to continue being a second-class citizen in the marriage. You deserve kind and fair treatment just as much as he does. Sometimes it takes opening communication, acting the way you want him to act, or showing him that you won’t continue in the same way to finally stimulate some change.
I felt the marriage had a chance if she was willing to shake things up a bit. She confided to me that her husband hadn’t always been unpleasant. In fact, in the past, he had been quite affectionate. The key was finding out and then addressing what caused her to change her mind.