As a wife who has been reluctantly separated, I would say that there is a natural and undeniable inclination to hold on tight to what you fear to lose. And when you’re a wife who doesn’t want to lose her marriage or her husband, then it’s very natural to hold on a little tighter. In some cases and with some husbands, this does not matter. Some husbands don’t care about the attachment.
But when it comes to a space-demanding husband who seems to be distancing himself from his wife, it can actually matter quite a bit. Many spouses reject this type of attachment and distance themselves further. They may use phrases like: “suffocating,” “grabbing too tight,” or “reaching too hard.”
Wives listen to what the husband is saying, but they also signal that their husband is expecting something that just isn’t natural. She might say, “My husband said something to me last night that I never expected him to say. He told me I was suffocating him. We’ve been apart for about three weeks, at his insistence. If I had my way, he’d still be living at home. But as it is, he’s staying with a friend. He’s been restless and unhappy for months. He finally told me he needed time away from our marriage. I immediately panicked and assumed he wanted a divorce. He swore no. But I’m still not sure I believe him. I just don’t understand why a middle-aged man should need a space from his marriage unless he’s planning to end the marriage or break his vows. And that’s why I feel like I need to get in touch with him every day and know what he’s doing. But when I try to do this, he tells me that I’m “suffocating” him. The exact words were something like: ‘I felt like I was suffocating at home and now I feel like I can’t escape even now that I’m here. I have to be my own person. It’s almost like he’s accusing me of acting like his father, and I’m not doing it at all. I just care about him and I think I have a right to know what’s going on with him and my marriage. I don’t think talking a couple of times a day is too much to ask. I don’t call that ‘suffocation’. You?”
I’m going to be honest because I honestly want to help you. And I want to help you because I’ve been in your shoes and because I’ve made so many similar mistakes that almost cost me my marriage, I’ve learned a hard truth. And it’s this: It doesn’t really matter if you or I wouldn’t call the record “suffocation.” Because if you perceive it as such, then you are going to react to that perception. And their reaction can be detrimental to what you really want. And isn’t that all that matters?
Understand that ideal end game:I suspect that what you really want is for him to come back and to come back willingly, and not with his tail between his legs because you’ve worn him out. Trust me, I understand the strategy. I never consciously thought about it. But looking back now, I think I thought that if I could upset my husband enough or remind him of our marriage enough, he would eventually get fed up with the to-and-fro and come home.
Instead, he distanced himself even more from me. We have reconciled now. But she confided to me that there were times when she considered a divorce because she felt it might be necessary to “get away” from my constant contact.
I’m not here to debate whether or not my husband legitimately needed my space. He and I will probably never agree on that. But what matters is that he thought so. And frankly, that’s all that matters. Because these thoughts shaped his actions. Whether his thinking was flawed or not, he was going to act on it. And this thought process made a world of difference in what happened in our marriage.
I know we wives like to think that if we just do or say the right thing, he’ll change his mind and not want any more space for us. But frankly, this isn’t as likely as he’s getting frustrated that you’re not listening.
If what you’ve done isn’t working, consider trying something new.: For me, the best decision was to go back. Initially I tried to just tell my husband that he was going to let him call me next time. This worked, for some, at least. But there were times when he wouldn’t call me and I would panic and then get too loud. So I took some time off putting literal miles between us going back to my hometown for a while. This forced me to back off, because I didn’t have much of a choice.
This didn’t feel ideal at the time. It honestly felt like giving up at that particular moment. But eventually it made a positive difference. Eventually, my husband began to communicate with me. And when this started working, I didn’t have to try as hard anymore. I literally saw that it was working, so the struggle became a lot less because I finally started to see the trend turn. For this reason, I was more than willing to continue because I knew it was the best alternative.
I’m not suggesting that you need to do the same. That may not work for you. But I suggest you ask yourself if going back, even for a moment, might be worth a try. You can always reverse course if it doesn’t work for you. But once you know for sure that what you’re doing isn’t working, and once your husband has literally told you harshly that he’s getting frustrated, both are good indicators that you may want to change course, if only be for a little bit. At the very least, maybe try a form of communication that he doesn’t find “suffocating.” You may not technically be choking, but if he thinks you are, then that’s what matters.