Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to be determined to save their marriage while the other is simply not sure if that’s what they want to do. I often hear from wives who are trying to convince their husbands to work with them in the present moment to save the marriage.
I recently heard from someone who wanted to know if she was supposed to give her husband an ultimatum or a deadline to make this decision. She said, in part: “Over the last two months, our marriage has been very unstable. It’s clear to me that if we don’t get aggressive to save our marriage, soon there will be nothing left. Things get worse every day and it’s so hard for me just watching it happen without doing anything to save it. I want my husband to commit to working with me to save our marriage. But he won’t commit yet. He says he’s not sure our marriage can be saved and he’s not sure if wants to waste time, money, or go on an emotional rollercoaster ride. He doesn’t know yet and acts angry because I’m pressuring him. But in the meantime, our marriage continues to deteriorate. Should I give him a deadline to make his decision? life is in limbo while I’m waiting for him. It seems so unfair that it’s all up to his decision, but I can’t live my life waiting.”
This is a very common complaint. Many wives believe that their husbands are not acting (or deciding) fast enough and it seems that he will never make a move or take a chance. You’re right that this delay is frustrating and unfair, but there is a real danger in pushing him too quickly into the answer you hope he won’t give you. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
How long you wait for your husband to make a decision about saving your marriage (or letting it go) often depends on how involved he is in that same marriage: I understand losing patience with this process. When I was trying to save my own marriage (and my husband finally moved out), this whole turn of events seemed to drag on forever. And while sometimes he wanted to speed up time so he could see how it would all work out, sometimes he was afraid of exactly this because he knew there was a chance that once he made a final decision, that very decision. it could be going ahead and divorcing me and ending the marriage forever. I was very clear that this was not what I wanted. So, ultimately, I was willing to wait as long as it took (although I didn’t like having to wait that long).
However, I was always quite determined that as long as there was a chance that he might decide to work with me to save our marriage, I owed it to myself not to rush him into giving up or deciding to move on because he was tired. of me constantly pressuring him or reminding him how long I had been waiting for him to make up his mind. Yeah, that was frustrating, but I always thought that as long as he could wait without a definitive, definitive no, we still had a chance. And as long as he could see at least some progress or bright spots in an otherwise delicate process, he was willing to have more patience than I ever thought possible of me.
I would certainly understand a different thought process, especially if you also harbor some doubts about your marriage. It is easier to walk away in a certain period of time if you are not fully involved yourself and harbor your own doubts.
There are many things you can do on your own to save or work on your marriage while you wait for your husband to make a decision: Although I really don’t like the phrase “work on your marriage” because it carries negative connotations that make many people reluctant to commit to it, you should know that this process is entirely possible on its own, especially at first. You don’t need your husband’s commitment or even his full cooperation to get started.
There are many things it can start doing without announcing it or even asking for your permission or cooperation. You and only you can take inventory of your marriage, its problems, and your husband’s perceptions of it on your own. Your job is to change your husband’s negative perceptions and feelings on those issues (as much as possible) without his cooperation or even his knowledge of what you’re doing.
This is just an example. A very common complaint I hear from husbands in this situation is that “the spark is gone” and that they don’t want to have to express their feelings or go to a counselor to get back something that has been dead for a long time. They see this as a waste of time, money, and their emotional resources (which they don’t like to share anyway). rewards without having to lift a finger? Do you think he could change his mind about cooperating, compromising and saving her marriage then?
Because nothing says you can’t channel the woman who first put a spring in your husband’s step with her playful personality and infectious laugh. There’s nothing that says you can’t stay positive and playful so that he responds the way you want him to, even when you both have some doubts. Yes, this requires you to take risks. And you may have to stay the course when he looks at you with a bit of confusion in his eyes because he’s not sure where all this is coming from. But what does it matter when you’re taking the first steps toward saving your marriage, making major improvements, and probably getting that positive decision and commitment from him that you’ve been hoping for all along? My answer to the question posed is that, if she is committed to her marriage, she is often willing to wait as long as necessary while she gently nudges her husband toward the desired response. And I personally believe that ultimatums and deadlines are often counterproductive.