Introduction
So what makes a healthy and long-lasting gay relationship successful? Our society certainly doesn’t make it easy for us as gay men to come out and mate with all the homophobia and discrimination out there. Although this is slowly starting to change in many parts of the world, male-to-male love remains stigmatized and this undercurrent of cultural oppression and hate can put pressure on a budding gay couple’s relationship that many straight couples may take for granted. . As a gay community, we lack visible and adequate positive role models of gay couples who provide hope for lasting relationship success. As men, we have been conditioned to define our masculinity in a rigid and limited way as part of the socialization process growing up, and this can create conflict when two people of the same gender come together in search of intimacy and emotional connection. And then we have our own layers of discrimination and pressure in our own gay community that can sometimes leave gay couples feeling unsupported and uninspired to achieve relationship longevity in the only place they thought they would be safe: among them.
While the odds seem stacked against us in the fight for the dream of claiming our lawful husband with the home that goes with it, the white picket fence and proud rainbow flag firmly attached to the front porch need not be obstacles in our way. our success Having to face so much adversity has actually allowed many of us to be quite resilient in the face of stress and makes us good candidates for partnerships with the right focus and determination. There are many gay men in long-term relationships who can attest to the realization of this dream and speak of happiness and bliss in their relationship. But what are the ingredients that make a healthy gay relationship?
Characteristics of successful gay couples
There is no specific blueprint or formula for how to maintain a long and successful relationship. One of the beauties of being gay is that we can create our own definitions of what constitutes an ideal relationship for us, since we’re not hampered by restrictive gender roles and norms like our straight counterparts. Each couple develops their own unique partnership that works for them. That being said, there are some universal qualities that can promote a stronger and more functional long-term relationship for couples looking for long-term connection and happiness.
Successful gay couples may exhibit some of the following…
1. They share compatible interests and life philosophies.
It is important that partners have similar interests and hobbies to share in common to build experiences together, but it is also essential to have some differences to complement each other. This helps to keep alive the mystery and intrigue in the relationship that exists with the contrast. Who wants to have an exact replica of themselves that they interact with on a daily basis? Bored! What is absolutely critical, however, is that both partners will have a smoother and more satisfying relationship if they share comparable value systems. This forms the foundation of what the couple believes in and is the springboard from which they co-create a vision for their future together as a united front and lifelong alliance.
2. They openly communicate with each other and become involved in each other’s lives.
This involves direct and honest dialogue about the mundane aspects of life to the serious thoughts and feelings that are triggered as part of the relationship dynamic. Partners create a climate in their home where each feels safe and comfortable sharing vulnerable aspects of themselves and is in tune with each other’s needs. Listening skills are primed and each feels like an active participant in the relationship. Problems are not swept under the rug and are dealt with immediately in an assertive and caring manner.
3. They handle conflict productively.
Healthy gay couples recognize that conflict is an inevitable and normal part of a relationship and see these “hot spots” as opportunities for growth and positive change in their relationship. They deal with their anger constructively, avoid hurtful comments and blame, and take time to understand and validate each other’s points of view before engaging in collaborative problem solving to try to reach a win-win solution. . They are open to compromise and sacrifice and always maintain a teamwork stance when negotiating their differences.
4. They have a balanced lifestyle that includes both individual and couple identities.
In relationships, it is important to spend time nurturing the relationship and also to focus on individual interests and pursuits. Too much “couple identity” makes both of you feel suffocated. Too much “individual identity” creates a sense of being disconnected and living as roommates. Achieving a positive balance of both brings enough freshness and vitality to the relationship where the boundaries are strong and healthy. Each member of the couple feels supported by the other to strive for their own personal growth and goals without feeling threatened because the vision of the relationship is also being simultaneously served.
5. They have fun with life and try not to take things so seriously.
Life can be stressful, so why add to the stress with hardened behavior? Successful couples are those who are playful with each other, enjoy a funny banter between the two of them, and are energized by things like tickling, teasing, teasing, and kinkiness with each other. All things are done with love and this approach to her interactivity creates an atmosphere of laughter and celebration of being in the lives of others.
6. They enjoy a sensual and sexual camaraderie that helps them reach their erotic potential.
The happiest couples tend to report enjoying nonsexual affection in their daily lives through spontaneous touching, verbal caresses, hand holding, snuggling, and massaging. They also understand the importance of maintaining a passionate sexual connection through regular pleasure sessions and keeping their erotic lives energetic and pleasurable. Even for those couples in “open relationships,” the sexual relationship with their partner remains an important component of intimacy for them and they find ways to meet each other’s needs, even when one isn’t necessarily in the mood.
7. They have a support network of family and friends who honor their relationship.>
Having the support and encouragement of loved ones can go a long way toward strengthening the commitment of a gay couple. Surrounding yourself with positive and affirming people can be a huge boost.
8. They are comfortable with their sexuality and are not afraid to show it.
Sexual identity struggles and internalized homophobia can really ruin a relationship unless both men tend to be in the same boat with their levels of outwardness. Confident and successful gay couples are comfortable being in a relationship regardless of the setting or the public domain. Whether trying out a mattress at the local bedding store or attending a social function in a mixed-orientation crowd, these couples feel secure enough in their identities and relationships to combat any possible homophobia they may face by proudly being themselves. themselves. Being able to be free and uninhibited is a truly liberating feeling for a gay couple.
9. They possess the following in their association: trust, commitment, honesty, openness, flexibility, loyalty, dedication and devotion, quality time, sensitivity, non-judgmental attitudes, love and not afraid to express their feelings and their passionate side, etc.
These are obvious hallmarks that typify a healthy relationship, but gay men in particular are vulnerable to power struggles, competition, and issues related to intimacy and closeness due to male socialization in their male-to-male relationships. Successful couples are aware of these dangers and work hard to embrace a holistic masculinity that counteracts the stereotypes they have become ingrained with.
10. They place a lot of importance on their life together and focus on not taking each other for granted.
Successful gay couples realize that the hustle and bustle of life can easily take a back seat to their relationship, but they don’t let it! They make sure to spend quality time together, schedule special “date nights” with each other, and be attentive to each other’s needs. They make sure that they are working diligently towards their shared relationship vision, they validate their partner in the way they like best, and they make sure to show through words and actions how much they appreciate their man being in their lives.
Conclusion
So how did it go for you and your partner? These are just a few of the qualities that make up a healthy gay relationship and it is up to you and your man to define the parameters of what your unique relationship would look and feel like. Use these tips as a springboard to discuss how things are going in your relationship to gauge your strengths and areas for growth and come up with an action plan to make things even better between the two of you.
© 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski