For many of us, the supreme feeling, the one that makes us happy and healthy, is love. We see endless stories of eternal, conquering love in movies, and hear lovers swear to remain faithful to each other until the end of time, but real life is far less romantic. The notion of selfless and unconditional love, wonderful as it sounds, seems unattainable in the real world. Is it because human relationships have become so complicated? Or is it simply because it cannot exist?
The type of love called “unconditional” is an idealized form of emotion, which is presented as deep and eternal. The partner involved does not need to share their thoughts and needs as they magically already know what their partner needs and automatically do it to keep them happy. Therefore, this type of relationship seems like a well-oiled automatic machine, and the couple lives happily ever after without effort. But, seriously? Can relationships be that easy? Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that only one of the two people involved in this relationship feels this kind of selfless love. She understands her partner’s needs and desires and goes to great lengths to keep him satisfied. She never argues or asks for anything for himself, thus repressing and neglecting her own needs. Do you still think that relationship is ideal? I do not think so!
Love is a selfish feeling by nature. It is meant to meet a wide range of psychological, emotional, and practical needs, which can only occur through communication and mutual respect. If you want to have a balanced relationship, you need to let your partner know what your wishes and expectations of him are, while at the same time respecting and acknowledging your own expectations of yourself. And while entering a relationship for such selfish reasons may seem unromantic or even repellent to you, you’ll eventually find that admitting what you really want from a relationship early on is the best way to build a lasting relationship.
Another important thing to remember is that you must constantly remind your partner how you feel about him, not only with words, but also with actions. Don’t assume he already knows. Humans always have a need to feel desired, even when they know for a fact that their partner loves them. An occasional surprise, a few words of affection, or just doing things together can jump-start a relationship and keep it going.
As poets have often said, love is a battlefield. It is a struggle between reason and emotion and, above all, between conflicting needs and interests. But love alone is not enough to build a solid and satisfying relationship. No matter what fairy tales or movies entail, it won’t last long unless you put time and effort into it.