Trying to have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is very frustrating. Contrary to popular belief, just because someone is single doesn’t mean they are emotionally available for a relationship. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean they are ready for a relationship. Not everyone will search for their soul mate or romantic partner during this lifetime. It is quite possible that they are in a different place than you in their evolution and are really just looking for a casual relationship. There are also people who have absolutely no intention of being monogamous (even if they lie and say they are) who will simply never be emotionally available to you. There are many reasons why people will not be emotionally available for the type of relationship you are seeking.
It’s not always easy to spot an emotionally unavailable man. It is quite possible that he presents himself to you in such a way as to make you believe that he is ready for love. It may even be that everything is progressing very well, you are spending time together and it is very possible that he is chasing you… and you like him. You have been indecisive with your feelings and keeping them in check, but he has insisted that you are the best there is. He can even talk about the connection the two of you share. When you finally give in and allow yourself to have an emotional connection with yourself…BAM…the signs of the emotional dwarf come out…withdrawing, withdrawing, canceling dates or not responding to calls or texts. You are more confused than ever because he was the one who showed signs of being emotionally open… but the instant you open up to him, the walls go up and the lines of communication go down. When the possibility of a real relationship became a reality for him, it was more than he could handle…emotionally. As long as it was an idea, it was fine, but the reality made him walk away.
Before you let your heart invest in a relationship, you need to make sure that the man you choose is emotionally available. Here are some signs of an emotionally unavailable man so you can spot one quickly, before you get too far into the water:
1. If he has a girlfriend or wife, he is an emotionally unavailable man. If he hasn’t divorced his wife and broken up with his girlfriend, he is emotionally unavailable to you. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If he is separated from his wife or broke up with his girlfriend, but still lives together for ANY REASON, he is an emotionally unavailable man and off limits to his heart. When you have feelings or live with someone, you cannot give 100% of yourself to another person, no matter how hard you try. So you will never get everything he has to give you because he is not available enough to give it to you. Although he says that he doesn’t love her. Even though he says he loves you. Even though he says they don’t have sex and sleep in separate rooms. Even though he says he’s just having sex with you. As long as some fragment of that relationship is intact, either because you’re living together or waiting for a divorce to come through, he’s not fully emotionally available to you.
2. Communication: If he is difficult to communicate with and disappears for days/weeks/months without warning (or explanation), then he is emotionally unavailable. If he wanted to get closer to you, he would keep his communication stable and reliable. You would talk about things deeper than sex, the weather, and your jobs. He would use that communication to learn more about you and give you the opportunity to learn more about him. If trying to get him to talk is like pulling a tooth, he’s an emotionally unavailable man. If he is constantly unavailable when he calls, texts and emails, the same rule applies. If the only way you two communicate is through text messages, you both need to grow like a demon. If he doesn’t make communication with you a part of his life, he won’t be available for YOU to be a real part of his life.
3. If your relationship has no labels, limits or definitions, you are with an emotionally unavailable man. If you don’t know if you are his girlfriend, if he wants a girlfriend, or if he has a girlfriend, all you need to know is that you are with an emotionally unavailable man. If he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, where you fit in his life, where this relationship is headed, even if you are in a relationship, then you need to run as fast as you can from this emotionally unavailable player/man. If his words and actions do not support each other, then you are with an emotionally unavailable man who is sending you mixed signals and has an agenda.
4. Trustworthiness: When you are with a man long enough, the relationship develops a pattern. They speak once, two or three times a day, they see each other every “X” days and they know that they will see and hear from them again. When you’re with an emotionally unavailable man, after you get off the phone, you have no idea when you’ll be talking to each other again. After parting ways with the company, she wonders when and if she will see them again. This is not normal and is unacceptable. If you can’t begin to depend on him to call you and make plans to see you, he is emotionally unavailable. If you can’t depend on him to answer the phone when you call with an emergency, he’s not emotionally available to you.
5. Someone who is single, but has not dealt with issues from a past relationship, should be emotionally off limits. An emotionally unavailable man might still have a secret crush on his ex… or they tell you everything… all the time… when they’re together. They have not resolved their feelings from their last relationship and could be using you as the rebound to help them get over their ex or they could be floating with you in the hope that the ex will come back into their life at some point in the future. . If he tells you that he can’t open up to you because he’s still trying to work things out from his last relationship and then proceeds to tell you (tearfully) the gory details that led to the end of the relationship, in an effort to gain your sympathy …he is still emotionally attached to her and is not available to you. You won’t be able to rescue him or save him from the hideous creature that did this to him, as he is still emotionally attached to her.
So what do you do with an emotionally unavailable man? How are you doing in the relationship? The bottom line is that he won’t be there for you. You may think that if he just needs to heal from a past relationship, you can sit still and wait. But honestly, you don’t want to do that WITH him. No amount of love you show him or the things you do for him (or give him) can break the steel drum around his heart. You can’t fix it. You can’t cure it. It’s not his responsibility anyway. You may want to be there for him so that when he heals his emotional problems, you are the first one he turns to. The bottom line though is that if you made a great impression on him anyway, he would come to you when he is ready for love again.
Loving a man who is emotionally unavailable is very exhausting because you are doing all the work. He is not doing anything. You are giving and receiving nothing. You can only do that for so long until all your reserves are gone. Lying back and waiting for a change is not going to fix this dysfunctional relationship. We all want to do our best not to be surprised, disappointed, or hurt in our relationships. The best insurance we have to prevent that from happening is to choose wisely, and the emotionally unavailable man is not a wise choice.